Don't Fear the Reaper
by akabetty
Summary: Shepard & Kaidan one-shot, post ME3 fluff


_Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep_

She could smell salt.

Mindoir always smelled like salt.

_Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep_

She felt detached, as though her body were gone and only consciousness remained.

_Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep_

"There's been no change."

That voice, she thinks, she knows it. It's familiar. It's warm. She cannot open her eyes.

_Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep_

"Yeah, uh, thanks for coming by."

There's a heavy sigh amid the clangor of machines. That too, is familiar.

_Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep__ … __Beep_

"You have to wake up soon, Emily."

That name, _her __name_, she knows it's hers and that voice … it belongs to her too.

"_Mfffmmm_." She barely manages and sirens begin to blare.

* * *

"What happened up there Commander?"

They gave her a whiteboard and a black marker that smells awful. But she cannot speak with wires in her jaw. Hell, she can barely move her hands from all the muscle damage. They said she fell from the Citadel. She fell and _lived_.

'Had to choose' She writes.

"Choose between what?"

'Death or Control' She scribbles. The words do no justice to what happened.

"And you … you decided to control them?" Hackett is shaking, or so it appears. The lenses in her eyes have been off since her great descent.

'No' She tries to steady her hands. 'Pattern would continue, chose peace' She underlines the word, as if to emphasize it further.

"Admiral, perhaps Shepard should rest?"

"You're right Major. We won't figure anything out just now."

Hackett smiles and leaves, sparing a strange glance over his shoulder.

'Believe me?' She shows Kaidan the board.

"Yes." He kisses her fingers and if she could cry without her face feeling engulfed in flames, she would. "You came back to me."

'Told you.' She writes.

He nods and climbs gingerly into her small hospital bed.

* * *

When she wakes again, he isn't there, but the salt smell is still in the air. She can even see the blue capped mountains with twin moons hanging lazily overhead. _Home_. She's finally _home_.

"Try again, Miss Shepard."

And how weird that sounds. Not Commander, or Shepard, there's a 'Miss' in front of her name these days. She grabs the rails and pulls. She's standing now, barely. Her whole body shakes with the effort.

"Good, good. Now, try to take a step."

She chortles through the wires in her jaw and winces. It hurts almost blindingly just to stand. She can think of no less than twenty expletives she would like this young buck of a nurse to hear just about now.

"Good, great, you're doing great."

And now she thinks of no less than ten ways in which she could kill him without using her legs.

"C'mon Em, you can do this."

_Kaidan_. Kaidan, who has been here everyday. Kaidan who has never lost his patience. Kaidan who knows when she's ready to pop a head from a neck. She smiles a little bruised smile when his hand meets her lower back. The young buck of a nurse has stepped aside, knowing better than to stand in the Major's way.

And, with him, she takes one step and another.

* * *

"Miri …" Her jaw still feels weak, but the wires are out. "Hey."

"Hey Shepard." The former Cerberus operative glares at Kaidan, marking silently for him to leave. He does, with a small nod of assent.

"How's Ori?" She winces when she speaks.

"Good, Shepard. She's good. And you? You did it again."

"Did what?"

"The impossible." The icy woman laughs.

"Yeah, they say." She knows what she did. She knows what she saw. She remembers so clearly what the Catalyst said. Peace won't last, it never does. But, for now, she could care less. Perhaps the next crisis will even find another hero.

"And I see the Major is with you." Miranda nods toward the large window. Kaidan is standing there, waiting, likely trying to distract himself with the heavy traffic in the facility.

"Yeah, he is."

"Good. I'm really happy for you Shepard."

"Yeah? What's on your mind?"

"I wanted to … apologize, Shepard."

"For what? If you tell me about that control chip again I swear …"

"No, not that." The operative smiled, a little sadly Emily would guess. "When Lazarus brought you back, there were … complications." Emily watched Miranda stand, fidget with her fingers and look everywhere else but the bed in which Shepard was confined.

"There was an anomaly Shepard. Something I should have picked up on immediately, but didn't. Not until it was too late."

"Spit it out, Miri."

"You were pregnant, Shepard. When the SR-1 went down."

* * *

Kaidan did not trust Miranda Lawson, but Emily did and that was something. There was very little in the world that Emily trusted. Oreos, himself and Jeff "Joker" Moreau being her standards. Still, it offered him no comfort being ushered out of her hospital room so that the former Cerberus operative could have a private chat. He could see them, true, from the reflection of the many windows.

"Get … _out_ …"

In the reflection of Emily's room he could see the harried woman climbing from her bed, pulling out tubes and the screech of her voice echoed beyond the solid doors. Kaidan could not move fast enough before Emily was sprawled on the floor, arms bleeding where she had pulled her IVs and crying so harshly she seemed unable to breathe.

"I didn't …" The sobs were shaking her body badly, and the shivers were coming back up her spine. "I didn't need to know!" She cried out as Kaidan tried to lift her. "Get out. Get out, _bitch_. Get out … _right __now_."

"Shepard, I'm sorry." The operative hung her head in the veritable disarray of the room. Kaidan was unsure he even heard her speak for all the machines pinging and blaring. He could feel his own migraine coming on now.

"I think you should go Operative Lawson." He said.

"Yes," the woman spoke quietly. "I'm sorry for you too, Major."

She told him the truth. After, once she had calmed. He understood. He was devastated. So was she. But, they were here now, together and whole - he could not want for more. But she, Emily, _Gods_ she's so torn up. He wants to make it better but he does not know where to start. He would never trivialize it by telling her they could try again. She would hate him for that, even if she says she never would.

So he holds her. He runs his hands through her hair. He kisses the tip of her nose. It helps, sometimes. It gives her a little ghost of a smile, sometimes. But she is so far away, so lost.

* * *

The doctors come and go. They say she is improving, physically. They worry in little whispers about her mind. He tells them it's fine. He asks when he can take her home. His mother has been dying to meet her. And he wants to show her the orchards. He thinks she would like it. She used to talk of her father's fields - wheat, flax and corn. She always seemed a different girl, lovely and beautiful and free, but only when she remembers home, before it fell.

_'__You __have __a __choice__.'_

_ '__Humanity __needs __this__, __Shepard__.'_

_ '__I __wish __you __could __see __it __the __way __I __do__. __It__'__s __so__ … __Perfect__.'_

_ '__You __did __good__, __child__.'_

_ '__You __can__'__t __help __me__.'_

_ '__It__'__s __quite __the __view__.'_

They are all liars. There is no choice. There was never a choice. If there was, she would have refused. She would have cackled her way off the SR-1 and never looked back. Surely there had to be someone else. Why her? Why did it have to be her?

'_You __make __them __believe__.'_

But she does not believe. She never has. Maybe once, long ago, but that was someone else. Just a little shadow of the woman standing proud and gallant and in so much pain her knees shake. The Admiral pins a medal on her chest and she smiles even though her face hurts. She waves to the crowd who are cheering her name and her arms hurt and tremble from the strain.

He is waiting for her, on the other side of the stage, squished between a wall and beaming turian. They were the only ones who made it back. She makes it to them and leans on him before he offers his arm. She hurts all over and wants nothing more than to go home. But, there are still three cities to see, three more crowds of wounded and relieved to wish her well.

She wants to see his family's orchard. The way he talks she can taste it, feel the juice running down her chin. He says she has a way with words, but he can paint with them, bring them to life. She can only yell and threaten and grind her teeth. Hardly a way with words at all.

The turian is coming with them. He says he has nowhere to go until the relays are rebuilt. There's been little communication with his father, the best he can get is three words and static but, it's enough.

* * *

The shuttle drops down in a grassy field. It seems to stretch on forever. The trees are full to burst with leaves and fruit. She can smell them all and it's assaulting. His mother is waiting, wet eyes and the same dark, dark hair. He takes after her, it's clear. She smiles for his mother, speaks words that seem to soothe her and make her wipe at her eyes. Hers are blue, more than blue, almost unreal. His, it seems, he got from his father. She is frightened of the turian, but not obviously. There was just a tensing of her shoulders until the turian jokes about his scars and krogan women - it's the best ice-breaker.

"It's been … going well. They are rebuilding the city. Vancouver wasn't in such a bad way once the fight went overseas." His mother is drinking coffee. She clings to the cup, white knuckled. She doesn't talk about her husband. Emily wants to reach out to the woman, offer a hand and a little comfort, but she lost that part a long time ago.

"It won't be the same." She says sadly. His mother seems shocked for only half a second before resigning it as truth. She knows it. She can see it in Emily's eyes. She probably knows about Mindoir.

Garrus and Kaidan spend a lot of time outside. The Alenko house has a wrap-around porch, all a pristine white. They sit and they do not speak. They drink a lot. Sometimes, Emily joins them. And time passes slowly in the orchard. It's quiet, it's restful and it's driving them all mad.

Sometimes, the turian will curl his talons inward, squeezing. He does not seem to breathe when he does this but it only lasts a minute or two. He seems relieved afterward.

And Kaidan, he wakes in the middle of the night, scared always she's dead and he dreamed it all. But, she's always there, never asleep, surreal, royal blue eyes looking at him sadly. Once, he caught her dreaming. He had to hold her down as she thrashed. She made no sound, just kicked and flailed, all her muscles tense and taut under the skin. And then she cried for hours.

* * *

_He had to take three different shuttles to get off-world. He ran through the Charon station, perilously close to knocking over a dozen young cadets and officers along the way. Kaidan Alenko was never late. Never. Though, he supposed, there was a first time for everything. As he rounded a particularly sharp bend the shuttle that would take him to Arcturus was just pulling into dock. He breathed a sigh of relief that he had not missed his flight and took the last place in the boarding line._

_It was not every day one receives a direct communiqué from Admiral Hackett himself, requesting his immediate transfer from the SSV Helsinki dreadnought to a frigate-class under the command of one of the Alliance's most famous officers, Captain Commander David Anderson. Spare to mention that the executive officer for the Normandy's maiden voyage was none other than Lieutenant Commander Emily Shepard: The Butcher of Torfan._

_And she was his new commanding officer. She massacred a squad of fifty marines to drive back high echelons of the batarian hegemony with ties to the slave trade, it was revenge for the attack made by a united Terminus force that attempted to take Elysium - one of the Alliance's wealthiest and most developed colonies. Any news pertaining to Shepard – whether she was shopping for groceries or dancing with friends on leave, you could not change the channel and not see her face. Especially after a rather dogged reporter met the business end of her fist._

_"Pardon me," his bags were weighing on his shoulders and as it would seem, the shuttle filled up long before he got into the line. He spied one seat available, next to a solitary woman, her face half-concealed by an Alliance ball-cap and a pair of oversized sunglasses. "Is this seat taken?"_

_He did not wait for her to respond, focusing on stuffing his duffel into the overhead compartment. She would have no choice, there were no other seats and he absolutely had to be on this flight. He barely heard her when she said yes and he hardly noticed her toothy grin or that her eyes were a royal blue that seemed to mark his every movement. They looked synthetic, or at least, engineered. No, these things he would not notice until much, much later._

_"Didn't think I was going to make it there for a minute."_

_"I was nearly late too, so don't worry." She laughed slightly, almost as though she were forcing herself to speak at all. "I'm just glad I don't have to sit alone and be stared at." She proffered her hand and he shook it, marveling at the strength in her grip. He could feel a network of scars on her palms and the thick calluses only a soldier would have._

_"Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, a pleasure." He looked at her, his mind searching her face for a name, a date, someplace where he may have seen her, but the dots just would not connect._

_"Commander Emily Shepard." She released his hand then, his stomach sinking to his knees. "What a coincidence." She smiled at him, leaning back in her seat and regarding him with a hint of mischief in her eyes._

_He blanched, snapping into a quick salute despite not being able to stand. "Ma'am, I'm sorry …"_

_"Relax soldier," her laugh was rich and he fell instantly drunk for it, the pure sound caressing his ears. "We're not technically on duty for another six." He dropped his salute and sat ramrod straight, unable to process any sort of coherent thought. What he would not give for another seat, though changing at that moment in time would certainly look obvious enough._

_"Hope I don't make you this nervous on the ground, LT." She locked eyes with him once more, an eyebrow raised curiously high on her forehead just before she placed a set of worn headphones over her ears and turned to face the window._

_She would. He knew, right then, she would._

* * *

She sleeps better outside. Mom put up a hammock and it's like she never leaves it. He catches her napping a lot. Ever since Garrus went home, three months ago, they have been doing next to nothing. And it's been fantastic. She smiles more, she doesn't go far away and she's started talking to a doctor about everyone who's gone. He goes with her, once a week.

His mother asks him at least once a day when he will marry her.

He tells her, one day.

The doctors say she's doing better, handling it, coping. She's always been excellent at compartmentalization. He wonders often how she manages, so much death and anger roiling under the surface. She's a good person, even with her nanosized temper. The doctors want her to go to the city, see the reconstruction. They think it will do her good.

He disagrees. She is petrified. She doesn't want to see. She tells him this under cover of dark, where no one hears her little whispers.

His mother thinks it's a bad idea too. She doesn't want to see the city either, or be left alone while they leave for days, a week, forever. She's still mourning Dad and will probably never stop.

"Kaidan," she says as she kicks her feet. The sun is setting and the pale orange is reflected in her hair. It's getting long again.

"Hm?"

"Let's stay here, okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I like it."

* * *

She started singing. Just one day, all the sudden. He had been outside, fixing Mom's old ground car and when the sun got too hot, he came in. She was in the kitchen, singing. The sound made him freeze in place and it sent shivers down his spine and skin.

He watched, for a time, until the sight of her so lost in the words of the song - a little French ballad, likely something from her youth - was too much. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her hair. She laughed and turned in his arms.

"Something wrong?"

"No," he says and kisses her again.


End file.
